Day 101 of Deployment....

I have been absolutely awful at writing lately. I’d like to say because I’ve been spending EVERY waking minute at the beach but in actuality, I do work. Albeit a part time job, but still.

I’m three months into deployment. I spent the first month pretty involved with the other boat wives (and ate a LOT of pizza), the second month I completely withdrew and didn’t want to do anything. I feel like I’m definitely coming back up from that. There’s a chart of the emotions that statistically most women go through during a deployment.

I refused to read the article for fear the psychology major in me would try to replicate the emotions needlessly. Instead I’m doing my own thing and enjoying my own therapy: the beach. The beach has been comfort to me. Other than the beach, I have been working. Actually, my position with the non-profit I have been working as a temp with has gone so well that they are going to take me on as a permanent employee! Pretty exciting. And comes with a pretty decent raise. I really enjoy working there though I adore my boss and she is leaving so I’m not sure how that will change things. I just believe everything will work out the way it should.

My sister and niece came out to visit and stayed with me just over a week. I thought it was going to be a relaxing, laid- back trip (her words!) but we ended up getting up early every day (same time I get up for work and earlier some days- though for them it was like sleeping in with the time difference) and we did a TON of stuff. 

It was awesome though. We had such a crazy week that we (and by we I mean mostly her) took over 1100 pictures. And broke two waterproof cameras. Thank God for my iPhone because it became our only camera and actually took great pictures.

Some of the highlights of the week- Paradise Cove luau, and driving around the island from Waikiki to North Shore and back down through the middle of the island to ‘Ewa (the west side isn’t really worth going to since it’s not very pretty and has a lot of homeless camps). We of course went to Matsumoto’s World Famous Shave Ice in North Shore. We snorkeled in Hanauma Bay- one of the best snorkel sites on the island, also a preservation. We snorkeled with sea turtles on a snorkel and sail trip in Waikiki. Amazing! I almost swam into a 3 ½ foot turtle floating on the surface that I thought was an overweight man drifting. Of course that was the day my waterproof camera broke. Just before we saw the turtles. Hmph.

We did a sunset (booze) cruise with the same boat, the Outrigger, the next night. Highly recommend. It rained hard but cleared up in time for the sunset. And we got to observe some military guys hitting on some young Australian tourists. Pretty fascinating, especially after a few more drinks.

We took a train through the Dole Pineapple Plantation. Yup, that Dole. We also did the “World’s Largest Maze” at the Dole Plantation. It’s a huge maze made up of tall bushes. You have to get all the way through but you also have to find stations that are set up throughout the maze that have stencils in them so you can stencil the design onto your score card.

The record to get all designs and get out is 12 minutes. We were in there an hour and a half. At high noon. Whew!

Saturday we visited Pearl Harbor. I didn’t take a ton of picture there and it honestly had me pretty emotional. I hope that’s the last trip I make there though it was really beautiful.

I had an amazing time with my sister and niece. We called it Camp Aloha- girls only. Even my dog is a girl. It was a blast and it was so nice to have my family come out and support me here- plus it gave me a reason to get the house looking pretty.

Back to the beach.

I am a worrier at heart. I take after my mom who STILL mentions every time I talk to her to “Watch your drinking! You know it’s not good for you.” Even though I constantly tell her my sorority days are over and I literally have a glass or two of red wine with dinner every other night or so. So actually, Mom- red wine IS good for you in moderation which I swear I do! Sigh.

Anyway I stress about little things. Missing Nick. Having my boss leave. Work. Etc.

I’ve been trying to make beach trips during the week after work. It’s the perfect time since it’s not too hot about 3 or 3:30 and I can stay for a few hours and relax.

Today I had to go in early for a conference call so I got out at 1pm and got to the beach by 2:30. While I was there I read (Eat Pray Love- so addictive!), and napped, and relaxed. It got me thinking.

What is it that I love about the beach so much? It’s not the water so much. Honestly I have a horrible fear of drowning and of not knowing what’s below me if I can’t see bottom. As clear as the water is here, the lagoon I was at today still gets really deep and I can’t see the bottom and get a teeeeeeeny bit freaked that a shark or something might come up under me (we actually saw one when we were at Pearl Harbor- cliché with it’s fin sticking up out of the water and all) but I relaxed in knowing there were snorkelers closer to the entrance of a lagoon so the shark would go after them first. Morbid I know. I probably could have said they would have seen a shark before it got to me. Ah well.

I didn’t grow up at the beach. I lived in Baltimore a lot of my life and the closest beach is good ol’ Ocean City, Maryland, which is roughly a 3 hour (or less if you decide you like getting speeding tickets) drive from Baltimore.

As I lay there today thinking I finally realized when it was that I grew to love the beach so much.

When I was 21 I lived in Ocean City for the summer with an old flame (which didn’t burn very brightly). I worked a lot and worked some long hours while I was there. But every week the two of us would have a day or two off. Amidst our fighting, I would seek solace at the beach. 

Even if it was only for a few hours I would be content to be at the beach by myself because he didn’t like to go. That was my time of peace and reflection. It was my calm in the middle of a storm of a relationship. I could just sit and meditate on the waves and soak in the glorious sun.

The summer after we finally broke up, I waitressed and had lenient hours. I drove the 3 hours to the beach almost every weekend for weeks. Literally. I racked up so many miles on my car that summer.

Even if it was just for the day (which it usually was) I would drive the three hours there just to spend some time relaxing, drifting off into that uber-relaxed stage where you’re not entirely sure you’re asleep but don’t remember being awake as I listened to the waves. To me it was worth it. (The tan didn’t look too bad either though I’m much more careful about my sunblock usage now.)

As I was at the beach today I was reminded of that. I will never be an amazing swimmer and unfortunately not a mermaid (my six year old self just cried out, “NOOOO!”) but at the beach I can just close my eyes and just be. I don’t need to try to be someone I’m not. I don’t need to impress anyone. I don’t need to talk to anyone. I can just listen to the waves and relax and just breathe and drift off…

On the drive home today I was in a state of bliss. I always seem to accidentally time my leaving the beach (which is only about 15-20 minutes away from my house) so that I’m driving back home at sunset. All around me are the trademark Hawaiian clouds- low and wispy in the sky. Colors of powder purple and dusty pink that make me think of the smoothest, silkiest twirl of cotton candy. 

The sun setting pinkish orange across the mountains in my side view mirrors, and oldies playing on the radio (somehow it just seems perfect to listen to them at these moments).

I’m amazingly fortunate to be living in paradise and to be so close to something that comforts me so much when I’m by myself and don’t have a best friend close enough to talk to. I just know that time will continue to go by but hopefully more quickly now that I’m already at over the 100 day mark. Hopefully before I know it Nick will be home and we’ll be able to see this island- and all the other ones close by!- really soon.

Until then, I have my beach and I have my bliss. So I’m okay.

“You were given life; It is your duty (and also your entitlement as a human being) to find something beautiful within life, no matter how slight.” 
-Elizabeth Gilbert, Eat Pray Love

I am officially a Hawaiian "kama'aina" (local) resident.
It's been a process the last few weeks to get the marriage license and gradually get everything changed over to my new name. I was waiting to get my marriage license so that I could just change my name at the same time I got my drivers license.

I also knew there was a written test involved with getting my new license (even if you're transferring from another state!) and I wanted to study up first. Turns out I probably tried too hard but I am still glad I studied a bit- there were a couple of Hawaii specific questions on the multiple choice test. For example, I now know that you can leave a child in a car here for up to five minutes, regardless of age...even though that probably doesn't like the best decision.

It's been a crazy week too.

I started two jobs! Then I broke up with one....Let me start over.
I got a job at a restaurant in Kapolei, pretty close to where I live, right before the wedding. I didn't think much of it- I've gotten so used to picking up restaurant jobs wherever I go. It's not that I haven't been trying to find something more stable- I definitely have. But right before I was supposed to start it hit me that I was once again going to drown in the restaurant business.

I'll be super honest with you. I'm not a great waitress. I'm actually probably pretty bad. BUT I'm nice. And I feel horrible when I do forget stuff (which happens frequently- I need to write EVERYthing down). And I've worked in restaurants for 4 years so I know how they run now. All those things help make up for being so bad at it. I'm usually good with keeping a pretty positive attitude with doing any job. But the idea of waitressing yet again was starting to depress me.

I worked one night of training. The day I was scheduled to come in next I finally called them and said it wasn't going to work out. I felt horrible, but I'd feel even worse working there.

I'm glad I made the decision to break up with them..I got called back from the temp agency about some open positions and interviewed the next day. I was supposed to have two interviews but just loved the first one so much I knew it was the right decision.

I actually start tomorrow as admin at a non-profit org in downtown Honolulu. It's only part-time but I really think I'm going to enjoy being there and I feel really confident about being able to do the job well....better than waitressing!

You know, on a slightly different subject, I sometimes can go a lot of the day working around the house, or job-hunting online, or just doing little normal things, but then I look outside and see the gorgeous blue skies and white puffy clouds and perfect weather and am reminded of how LUCKY I am to be here. It's incredible.

It's a bit discouraging to think of ever living anywhere ever again that will live up to these standards. And it makes me laugh to think how much I loved going to Ocean City, Maryland all the time...3 hours away from home with its dark, cold water. Now, granted, the awesome thing about OC was that it was a tradition to go there so you became familiar with the places, the people. It was a Maryland thing.

It's amazing living within 15 minutes of two really gorgeous beaches and within an hour of so many beaches I couldn't even count....with clear, turquoise water and clean sand. There's no distinct smell in the air. I got so used to smelling exhaust all the time in Maryland. There's always a wonderful breeze here to help cool you off. And the water is always the perfect temperature. It's just incredible. I feel so lucky. There are so many cool places to go here. The possibilities are nearly endless. Nick and I took a trip along the west side of Oahu a few weeks ago. Then the next day we drove along the east coast of the island and up to some really cool spots along North Shore. Matsumoto's Shave Ice was one of the places I was so excited to go to. The lines for it are incredible. It's world famous. In fact, Adam Sandler even wore a Matusmoto's t-shirt in 50 First Dates .

This weekend was a complete beach weekend. I literally just spent most of yesterday and a lot of today lying on the beach reading a book and taking a dip when I got too hot. Of course being here has its downsides. Nick isn't here now. I haven't talked to him in a week. And even more unfortunately, I can't talk about him- when he's leaving, when he's returning, where he is going. I can only say that he's gone. That little thought is the nagging thing in my head that reminds me everything isn't perfect.

Yet still, I have already made such amazing friends. I didn't expect that at all actually. I was nervous about Navy life and making friends. I was afraid that it would be like a sorority. I was in a sorority and while I was in it, I believed everything the sorority taught us about sisterhood and about friendship. Sure, I wasn't best friends with everyone but you were still friendly with everyone regardless. I found out after I got out that everything I believed in wasn't real. Most of these people weren't really my friends. The idea of suddenly being part of a group where suddenly everyone is nice to you reminded me of that experience.

But the Navy wives are different. I love how we all truly have something in common that cannot be faked- our love for our husbands. That brings a certain realistic approach to everything we do, I think. And I love how we've all been brought together. All of our stories are so different and most of never thought we would end up as military wives, nonetheless living in Hawaii. They're amazing women I'm glad I've gotten to know and it really makes me optimistic about being here and about the whole experience of being married to a Navy guy.

Okay...enough seriousness. How cool is it I have an awesome rainbow on my ID now? ;)